Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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