I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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