I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
