I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
