I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
