in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
