He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
