i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
