please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I wanna passion pit in your ass
tell your sister to shave her snatch
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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