oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
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Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
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it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.