theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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