Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
