Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
