I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
