At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize