Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
