My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
