YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
