I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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