Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
