DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
