Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
