i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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