My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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