He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
