my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
