If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
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I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
did you just send me my own nude
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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