she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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