At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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