Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
