well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
