I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
