The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
