she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
