Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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