I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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