i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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