I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Randomize
