he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
