Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
