omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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