I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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