Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!