If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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