Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
