Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
