Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
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