I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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