five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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