hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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