I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just forgot I was standing up.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
