hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
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we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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