I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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