Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Randomize
