I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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