I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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