How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
