I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
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