I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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