Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Only a mothe r could love this liver
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
